People constantly ask me why my painings and pictures are so dark. That question came back so often, that I started asking myself the same. Cause actually I didn´t think so much about it. It just happened again and again. I just couldn´t stand to see a painting just being “light”, so I added at least blood or destroyed it by throughing colour on it. Just then it looked right to me.
We all have our past and our life. And to be able to speak about it, means that I found peace about it. I couldn´t name it for a very long time, cause I had to work me through my inner chaos.
So, talking about it now doesn´t mean that I still cling to the past. No.. it means I could let go. Or at least, give it an order. SOme parts we just have to work out all our life.
I was born into a christian family, living by the rules of the bible. Which isn´t a bad thing. It happened that I grew up with a very conscious attitude, I am thankful I learned from beginning on to think about meanings in life and caring for people and so on.
But it had it´s downsides too. Beside the fact that I felt like not belonging anywhere.. not to the world (that is what they teach in church. We belong to God and we have nothing to do with all “the people outside our believe”), neither belonging to the church (as a creative and philosophic mind I just couldn´t fit into it, although I tried hard, so there I could not connect to these people either), beside that loneliness, I grew up with a constant feeling of guilt.
If you didn´t grow up like that, you are probably wondering: why guilt?
As a child born into a religion, I couldn´t see the bigger picture. I just knew what I´ve been told. And with the years, all I knew was, that I had to be different. But no kid wanna be different. But I was forced to be.
And more and more often I started to catch myself being ashamed when telling my friends, that I was a christian. It started that my mom would invite my friends to church when I brought them home. So I didn´t bring them home anymore. Same time I was taught in church, that our Life belongs to God. That we have to tell it to the world. And I felt like betraying God. For being ashamed of him. The abyss between wanting to do right, but same time feeling to be forced to do something that I felt not comfortable with was getting hugh. Like a real burden.
I tried even harder. It was a sin to be vain, so I tried hard to be a girl not being vain. That has inner beauty. When I first time used eye mascara with 18 years, I felt shame and guilt. But my wish to be beautiful was bigger. Which also made me feel guilty: “Why I couldn´t be stronger then my vanity”? And I remember that when I coloured my hair red, in my church I was openly critized in public in the service for falling for such an “earthly pleasure”.
They would send us on the street to talk to strangers, like: “Do you know that Jesus loves you”. Like a challenge to learn to step over our ego and fear and to talk about God freely. It just caused such a shame on one side in me.. ashamed of that act of making me ridiculous infront of people, and a hugh feeling of guilt on the other side that I seemed to be so weak, as I hated it so much.
Seeing it now, I would say, that it was a kind of abuse, forcing kids and youths to do so. It left big scars inside of me. I would even say: it broke me..
This feeling of shame and guilt is like burned inside of me. It caused that I totally disconnected to the world, and also later with the church.
I would even say that the feeling of guilt did always hold me back to take what was mine. Whenever an open door appeared to be successful in music or art, when it was time to do it, I chickened out. The feeling of guilt, that I would go for an egozentric goal would totally hold me back. I always questioned myself, if I am worthy enough. good enough. And if I am humble enough. And before I had to follow the doubtful success, I would mess it up with another decision.. that would make it impossible to follow sucess.
It took me a long time to work me out of that feeling. Still the feeling of guilt is hanging over me very constant and to me, there is just no “light” painting possible at moment. It looks wrong. And it makes me feel uncomfortable.
I think, in many paintings, that´s what is to feel: my fight with shame and guilt. With that feeling of desperation that I felt so very early as kid.
I found peace over it. I forgave church. But I won´t ever go to church as member again.
We all have our story to carry, so this is mine. And it is part of me. But it is not owning me anymore. It is so beautiful to work things through and let it go.
Still to not fall into the emmideat feel of guilt, is still a challenge for me. Probably will always be..
And to paint about it, is like peeling of negative levels one by one. And maybe one day I am able to paint the happy painting thats waiting inside of me. 🙂
In the end I wanna add, that grewing up in a christian family, also was a blessing. As I learned how to care for others, think about worths and principles. To question myself early: is this good or bad. ALso my parents are the most loving parents there are and teached us to love one another. They truely lived love. But they couldn´t prevent the church to fuck me up. Truth be said. And I do not blame anybody. They truely wanted my best.
So.. I am deeply thankful my kids will grow up without that conflict.
And slowly with almost 38.. I start to fully enjoy being me as woman (no more guilt to expose my female side..took a while), and finding joy in connecting with the world and it´s pleasues. Life is so beautiful! People are so beautiful!!! And maybe even I will allow me to have a little success in art and music! WOrking on that 🙂
On that note: enjoy life without regrets! Be good, but don´t bother yourself about nonsense!
hugzzz, Mimi xox
